There’s something in the air. What’s that? It’s Agent Orange. Not the kind of agent who’s down to intercept you for the trouble you’re causing in the matrix. Not the secret agent who takes their instructions from a self-destructing Polaroid camera. This agent functions more like a tick: a parasite that quietly crawls up your back while you work or sleep, then lodges itself firmly into a dark, damp corner—where it’s imperceptible. This agent fills itself up until it pops and sprays itself (and you) around the room, causing everyone to cough and gag. Nothing clears a party quicker than that pesky Agent Orange.
Next up is Agent Yellow. Agent Yellow doesn’t take shit from anyone. Agent Yellow prefers that you refer to it as “Lah-rruh,” and not “Lor-uh”, like the dumbass it knows you are; otherwise, why would you need Agent Yellow’s help? Agent Yellow clears rooms too, but that’s by design. You hire Agent Yellow when the room needs clearing of toxic pests like Agent Orange. The price of service: everyone tolerates Agent Yellow’s self-indulgent stories—endless yarns, unspooled to reveal odd objects tangled within. Please spare us these stories.
Next up is Agent Blue. Agent Blue stays true to its word, despite having so many. Some of those words are sensible; others are nonsensical. But one thing’s for sure: Agent Blue can do more than you when it comes to defeating Agent Yellow. What’s Agent Blue’s secret? Apparently, blue and yellow went to the same college. And while blue kept a clean profile, yellow let loose and destroyed its reputation. Ever since, Yellow’s focus has been collecting data on everyone else’s dairy air to drive them clear, like your agent Oranges. On the other hand, Blue is a source of knowledge—dominating in any debate. Agent Blue’s only trouble at gatherings is that it can become a walking Wikipedia page; it’s basically like chatting with an LLM high on its own supply of knowledge. While what Agent Blue says is true, if you get it talking, people’s eyes stay glued to the floor, tolerating Blue’s experience for now, but being careful to remain glassy-eyed when the truths become too ham-fisted, too unrealistically realistic. Will someone please shut Agent Blue up?
Last up is Agent You. That’s right. The one who tried crowd control tactics like inviting the triforce of tomfoolery. Nobody will talk to you—that’s deserved. Technically, you didn’t invite Agent Orange, but there’s some personal responsibility involved when someone’s self-care affects others, right? You don’t wash your hands, then travel to a party and make everyone sick—you’re the asshole. You can’t count on simple colors to change the social dynamics of apes. You need something more complex, something with nuance that’s fitting for the situation. Removing blocks in a way that rocks the stack precariously indicates that you need either steady hands, or to call an expert.
I did the right thing. I called Agent Brown, who’s experienced all colors, who’s taken other colors to task and never backed down—often absorbing some of their essence to later fight back against others, like an immune system. I’ve known Agent Brown since moving here. Just don’t talk to Agent Brown about politics. It’s frustrating, because they don’t take any sides; they’re too damn empathetic with everybody else.